The Brain’s Small Adventures

A happy brain leads to a happy life.

Our brain’s most trivial decisions, or, adventures, can be some of the most important we make. For example, deciding what to eat seems insignificant, yet it’s the difference between living a healthy life until your body is extremely wrinkly, or dying when you’re starting to get wrinkly. See the difference? Crazy.

With today’s hate towards sugar and carbs (another name for sugar), I personally shudder to think of a life lived up to a century by eating vegetables. So I choose sugar and hope to reach my 50s.

Here is a drawing of what happens when I get hungry:

Beforefood

Ah, yeah, I have a little problem with gluten. But I won’t give up pizza, because it’s one of life’s most precious gifts.

Beforeafterfood

Another little adventure, but of vital importance for my brain, is to listen to metal music. I am close-minded with this, I only listen to music that features guitar riffs and distortion, because it’s the only thing that works for my brain. If I don’t, it will ramble on without rest, or sing melodies I dislike.

Beforemetal

Music stimulates my brain in all the right places. It looks something like this:

AfterMetal

As an introvert, I have a hard time with social interaction, so one of my brain’s most important adventures is the whole process from deciding to be social, until after the event.

BeforeSocialInteraction

After I surround myself with people I care about, I realize it’s not as excruciating as I had previously thought.

BeforeAfterSocialInteraction

And so, I continue my adventures. The immediate one being letting my brain have some “me” time.

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Hope you have beautiful brain adventures today!

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How to Prevent the Flu (if someone in your home has it)

One minute, you are having fun playing with your collection of possessed dolls, the next, your partner, family member, or roommate, comes up to you and says something along the lines of:

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Panic-stricken, your mind starts calculating how to avoid getting the flu. Of course, at some point, you feel bad for them and want to help them, because you care about them and such things, but what matters is your mindset:

This. Is. War.

Each sneeze is a terrifying spray of disease, so an effective method to avoid being hit by it is to jump away from the sick person when you notice they’re about to sneeze.

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Another helpful tip is to make ginger tea. The ginger root looks like a tiny, wise, tree trunk, and it will help you kill anything evil that dares to grow inside you.

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You could build a custom Heavy Metal Flu Shield (or any other style you want), for situations such as conversations, or avoiding a hug. Don’t forget the importance of carving (or drawing) a battle cry on the front of it, to put you in the warrior headspace.

SneezeEscape

For example, my shield (illustrated above) is inspired by Judas Priest and approved by Rob Halford, giving me extra power.

RobHalford

Lastly, it is of vital importance to buy the meanest vitamin supplement you can take each day, to give your immune system more weapons in this war against the flu.

JasonVitamins

Be afraid, flu, be very afraid.

Horrible Ideas…

MMA fighting with flip-flops

MMA is the kind of sport that will entertain you and terrify you at the same time. As a horror movie fan, it’s no surprise this beautiful form of athleticism is appealing to me.

Watching an athlete win with a submission, K.O, or T.K.O, is exciting. However, those times when a fight ends with a decision, it can be disappointing. I don’t understand the scoring system, but, I think, if we made the athletes fight with flip-flops, and lose a point each time the flip-flop fell off a foot, a win by decision would be more obvious, have less controversy, and be more rewarding.

MMAthongs

Plus, imagine the tension of a fight with this added problem, which could also have a surprise factor: would a fighter be angered enough to launch a flip-flop attack on his enemy, despite losing points? What does a kick with a flip-flop on look like? These are the questions that need answers.

MMAthongoffensive

Screaming Yoga

Yoga is meditation in movement… right?. But there’s a level of pain and frustration that comes with it, as our minds still ramble on. So, why not let our feelings out with screams? As we move into a downward dog, or try to keep our balance in one leg, why not let out a shout? Imagine that, you can quickly silence your thoughts while your hands try to touch your feet, but fail.

Nice.

ScreamingYoga

Scream some more, as you remember that time when you traumatised a child on a plane, because you watched a horror movie while you were sitting next to him. It’s ok, it’s just a thought, that kid is fine. Let it flow, scream and live in the now.

ScreamingYoga

Starting conversations with embarrassing confessions, unpopular opinions, or math problems

Small talk is painful, so why not make it excruciating and guarantee you won’t have to engage in small talk with that person again, by telling them something embarrassing when you see them? It will be raw, liberating, and it will give you the power of invisibility the next time this person sees you. You could also express an unpopular opinion, or confront them with a math problem. Any of these options will produce the same results.

Embarrassing

Doubleembarrassing

Good Naps, Bad Naps & the Non Napper

Naps are a gift from our bodies. A good nap is the solution to a sleepless night, feeling weak, sickness, bad mood, annoying company, nothing good on TV, inability to face the chores of the day, and many more problems.

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However, there’s a delicate balance between a good nap and a bad nap. If you extend your nap for an uncertain amount of minutes, scientifically referred to as the Minutes of Doom, a good nap turns into a bad nap, making your life miserable until you can sleep again.

Badnap

This can develop into a routine of good and bad naps that’s difficult to break, specially if you are like me, a lazy, but positive individual, who would rather sleep late and then nap, with the hope that it will be a good nap, and not a soul-sucking experience.

But there’s also the brave Non Napper, the person who chooses not to nap, no matter how tired, and, adding insult to injury, has to live with The Napper. This is how it looks like:

Web

Dreadful stuff.

I think I still choose the life of The Napper.

Listening to your body

When people talk about listening to their bodies, I imagine it’s something like this:

ListeningBody

But to me, it’s like this:ListeningSameBody

Actually, it’s more like this:

ListeningBodyCandy

Even if I’m sick, my body won’t change it’s tune.

ListeningBodySick

But then, I see my boyfriend snacking on a carrot, because his body asked him to, and it reminds me… my body talk is off.

VegetableOffer

At this point, however,  the damage is done.

The cookie has won.

How to achieve mental toughness

 

DISCLAIMER: Strictly for laughing purposes.

 

The Endurance Test

  1. Find a maths class to attend.
  2. Endure it from beginning to end, paying complete attention to the lesson, but without taking notes, since that would take away some of the focus and mental suffering.
  3. Don’t cry.

MathsEww

The Facing Yourself At Your Worst Test

  1. Find pictures of your high school years or whenever you had that “weird phase”.
  2. Sit in a room by yourself and stare at them. Take at least a minute with each photograph, let the memory of your inadequate past self resurface and torment you.
  3. Don’t cry.

PhotoAlbum

The Other People’s Opinion Test

  1. Dress unfashionably. If you can avoid combing your hair or even showering, that would be more effective.
  2. Get out of the house to go shopping, do groceries, or any activity that involves being surrounded by people.
  3. See how they silently judge your appearance and feel how offended they are by you.
  4. Don’t cry.

Unfashionable

The Can’t Be Emotionally Moved Test

  1. Go to a pet store, one that has the cutest, fluffiest animals.
  2. Take your time to stare at them, look into their eyes, allow them to stare back into your soul.
  3. Consider adopting one, think about how happy you could make this tiny creature, spending your lives together, but don’t do it.
  4. Don’t cry.

PetStore

The Temptation Test

  1. Buy your favorite candy. It could be a chocolate bar, cookies, cake, ice cream; it’s your choice, but make sure it’s your absolute favorite.
  2. Keep it in your house, place it somewhere visible and write a little sign, saying “Eat me!”, that you can put on top of it, but don’t follow that command.
  3. Feel the temptation sinking into your brain and bones, turning you into a candy-craving zombie, but don’t eat it.
  4. Don’t cry.

TemptationCandy

The Rejection Test

  1. Tell that person you like how you feel, but do it in a creepy way. A good idea would be to draw the two of you happy together, and show this drawing to the person as you tell them about the eternal love you feel for them, even if you have never spoken to them before.
  2. Get rejected.
  3. Don’t cry.

Rejection

OCD

OCD is like that person you don’t want to befriend, but they still do everything they can to stick around and become your best friend.

AnnoyingFriend

The unwanted friendship quickly develops into an exhausting constant interaction. They’ve somehow convinced you to give them the keys to your house, since it’s less annoying to have them come in and out as they please, instead of listening to the door bell ring every couple of minutes.

Each time they come in, they have conspiracy theories to tell you about and scare you.

FriendDoor

So you stare at this little monster, as it stands there, smiling, ready to tell you more terrifying made-up things with some attitude in their tone.

LightSwitch

And you wonder how you can get rid of it.

MurderPlan

But you can’t simply “get rid of it”, it’s a slow process. You have to understand it’s underlying causes and do little improvements each and every day, so the both of you can part ways eventually, on amicable terms.

Products I want: The Germ Screamer Killer

I am constantly worried about the biggest jerks in the world, also known as germs. I don’t think the cleaning industry is at the level I need it to be yet, because I don’t want to trust a product is effective, I want to know for sure.

So, I’ve come up with the concept of a product that would provide a solution to this issue: the Germ Screamer Killer, a disinfectant that makes germs scream in agony as they die, so you can hear them while you use it and know, with certainty, everything is clean. Plus, it can be applied on any surface.

GermScreamerKiller

 

Germs on your clothes?

GermsShirtP

You hurry to put some product on them, the melodies of germ destruction begin and you realize how much you enjoy this music of death. Then, you wear the item again, you wear it everywhere, get more germs on it, and repeat the process, without a worry on your mind.

TshirtGermMassacre

 

Germs on your table?

You spray some Germ Screamer Killer on it, feeling a rush of endorphins inside you as you listen to the germs’ tortured cries during their trip to extinction. Then, you make a meal, and eat it on top of the germs’ corpses, on your freshly disinfected table.

TriumphantMeal

 

Germs on the wall?

You grab the bottle of germ poison and you know the massacre is on. A few minutes pass by, each second filled with screams. As the sounds fade out, you hear your own relaxed breathing and whisper to yourself, “life is good”. But right then, one unexpected tiny scream starts. Could it be a survivor? Not possible, it’s just a stronger testosterone-fueled germ that takes longer to die. As the sound vanishes, you repeat to yourself, “life is good”.

GermDeath

Because, it is.

 

Special Product: The Germ Screamer Killer Body Soap

Forget about singing in the shower, you can hear the microscopic life-forms lose the battle against you, their claws unable to stay attached to your skin, their tiny hands trying to hang on to the hairs on your upper thighs, in vain, because they’re dying. You’ve won the battle, you have murdered them.

 

Thank you, Germ Screamer Killer.

Tinnitus: only good if you hate silence

When my tinnitus got scary, I, like any responsible adult, used Google in an attempt to get some valuable information about it, but there wasn’t much, so I forced myself to go to a doctor.

Wait.

I’m going too fast…

This is the full story:

The Beginning of the Horror

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I realized I had tinnitus in one ear about two or three years ago. I didn’t worry about it, because it was mild and I thought I had it coming, since I had abused my hearing enough with loud music for years.

 

The Middle of the Nightmare

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But then, in 2016, after a flu, I noticed the tinnitus had started in the other ear and, sometimes, there was one loud beep on both ears. Understandably, I was terrified.

This is when my Google research started.

I found some articles about musicians who have tinnitus and simply live with it, because there’s no solution to it, as well as some videos with people claiming that jaw and neck massages fixes it and how to do them, but that was it. I didn’t have the patience to massage my face and hope it went away, so I decided to go to a doctor to see if I was doomed to not listen to loud music anymore and avoid concerts.

 

The (sort of) End of the Suffering

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Luckily, my tinnitus has nothing to do with hearing loss. It was a result of teeth grinding at night, a discovery that allowed me to not obsess over it, which helped lessen the suffering it was causing.

Even if my hearing is fine, I decided to be responsible about my habits to help prevent future problems; I stopped using headphones and I keep the volume at a reasonable level most of the time. Regarding that, the doctor gave me some advice: have breaks every 15 minutes when you’re listening to music and, if going to a concert, make sure the venue is an open space and stand far away from the speakers.

The teeth grinding issue is something I have dealt with partially, since it was due to extreme stress, but I will go to a dentist to have my tiny pearls protected every night.

Hope my story and the doctor’s advice are of some help for anyone trying to get more information on the subject.

Little things that make life better

When I was a teenager, one of my best friends and I agreed that it’s the little things in life that make it good… as if we knew what that meant.

Much like sex, excuse me, “love-making”, you can’t grasp the full meaning of such intricate experiences until you’ve reached a certain maturity and created the right circumstances.

Here are a few of my favorite “little things”:

1.Getting some time to myself after a long day of work.

legs-window-car-dirt-road-51397.jpeg

Screaming with anticipation, rejoicing in the freedom of the night…  appreciating my pretty shoes?… Ok, the picture doesn’t have much to do with the reality of my point, but the idea is somewhere in there.

2. Candy.

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My Candy Monster demands chocolate and other treats from time to time. If I deny it, resist it or ignore it, tortures that pale in comparison to the ones in the Hellraiser movies will be enacted on my spirit from my brain.

3. Tea.

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I have no wrinkles on my skin, but I have them on my soul. What I’m trying to say is, I’m old. A cup of tea on a cold night feels like a warm hug that starts in your tummy and ends in sadness when you finish the last drop.

4. Exercise.

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As a woman who wants big muscles, I suffer because of insufficient testosterone, knowing my dream can’t come true unless I’m willing to have chest acne and a deeper voice. Nevertheless, I find enjoyment in the elusive search for mass.

5. Music.

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You can’t go wrong with music, it turns your brain cells into infinite bright dots of happiness. It’s science.

6. Warm bed.

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Getting in bed after work means I can be warm and comfortable under the covers. The universe is only that; everything is soft and squishy… Except for my muscles, which are rock hard.

7. Health.

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Being young usually means never worrying about health, but as you get a bit older, health issues that are simple consequences of your early carelessness arise. I’ve been dealing with some health issues since last year, so I had to start caring about it. I cherish feeling healthy now. And having mind-blowingly strong muscles.

8. Privacy.

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My privacy is one of the most important things for me. The Mr. Hyde inside me comes out when it’s disrupted, it’s something stronger than me.

9. Horror Movies.

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80s horror movies give me that warm fluffy feeling, because those were the first movies I watched when I was in my early to mid teens. And then, the scary ones make me feel like I’ve survived a little hardship after I’ve watched them. They are the heart-racing, heart-warming gems in my life.

10. The people I love.

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I am a hermit, but I still need some people in my life. My Mum and my Boyfriend are the fine bits of chocolate to my Stracciatella gelato.