Horrible Ideas…

MMA fighting with flip-flops

MMA is the kind of sport that will entertain you and terrify you at the same time. As a horror movie fan, it’s no surprise this beautiful form of athleticism is appealing to me.

Watching an athlete win with a submission, K.O, or T.K.O, is exciting. However, those times when a fight ends with a decision, it can be disappointing. I don’t understand the scoring system, but, I think, if we made the athletes fight with flip-flops, and lose a point each time the flip-flop fell off a foot, a win by decision would be more obvious, have less controversy, and be more rewarding.

MMAthongs

Plus, imagine the tension of a fight with this added problem, which could also have a surprise factor: would a fighter be angered enough to launch a flip-flop attack on his enemy, despite losing points? What does a kick with a flip-flop on look like? These are the questions that need answers.

MMAthongoffensive

Screaming Yoga

Yoga is meditation in movement… right?. But there’s a level of pain and frustration that comes with it, as our minds still ramble on. So, why not let our feelings out with screams? As we move into a downward dog, or try to keep our balance in one leg, why not let out a shout? Imagine that, you can quickly silence your thoughts while your hands try to touch your feet, but fail.

Nice.

ScreamingYoga

Scream some more, as you remember that time when you traumatised a child on a plane, because you watched a horror movie while you were sitting next to him. It’s ok, it’s just a thought, that kid is fine. Let it flow, scream and live in the now.

ScreamingYoga

Starting conversations with embarrassing confessions, unpopular opinions, or math problems

Small talk is painful, so why not make it excruciating and guarantee you won’t have to engage in small talk with that person again, by telling them something embarrassing when you see them? It will be raw, liberating, and it will give you the power of invisibility the next time this person sees you. You could also express an unpopular opinion, or confront them with a math problem. Any of these options will produce the same results.

Embarrassing

Doubleembarrassing

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Small Protests & Performance Art

Protests are a tool we should use more often.

Society has a lot of problems, but some of them are so small, we might think speaking out against such issues, and trying to fix them, is not worth the effort.

This is why I’ve decided to demonstrate, through a few examples of small, yet important protests, that they are worth the effort. I’ve paired these protests with tasteful performance art pieces to enhance their message.

Let’s begin with a cry from a man that needs to be heard:

SpoonProtest

Right?

Now, the artistic side of the protest:

VegetableOffer

It’s beautiful, it’s art, it’s emotion, it’s the beginning of change.

Our next protest:

OnionProtest

Onions have had enough of our tears. Would you disagree? I don’t think so.

Let’s transform it into art!

OnionArt

No more tears, onions. No. More. Tears.

Our last issue:

PajamasProtest

I know many share this sentiment.

But let’s illustrate our point with art:

PajamasArt

There you have it, anger expressed through art, with the intention to transform society’s smaller issues.

I hope this was inspiring.

How to achieve mental toughness

 

DISCLAIMER: Strictly for laughing purposes.

 

The Endurance Test

  1. Find a maths class to attend.
  2. Endure it from beginning to end, paying complete attention to the lesson, but without taking notes, since that would take away some of the focus and mental suffering.
  3. Don’t cry.

MathsEww

The Facing Yourself At Your Worst Test

  1. Find pictures of your high school years or whenever you had that “weird phase”.
  2. Sit in a room by yourself and stare at them. Take at least a minute with each photograph, let the memory of your inadequate past self resurface and torment you.
  3. Don’t cry.

PhotoAlbum

The Other People’s Opinion Test

  1. Dress unfashionably. If you can avoid combing your hair or even showering, that would be more effective.
  2. Get out of the house to go shopping, do groceries, or any activity that involves being surrounded by people.
  3. See how they silently judge your appearance and feel how offended they are by you.
  4. Don’t cry.

Unfashionable

The Can’t Be Emotionally Moved Test

  1. Go to a pet store, one that has the cutest, fluffiest animals.
  2. Take your time to stare at them, look into their eyes, allow them to stare back into your soul.
  3. Consider adopting one, think about how happy you could make this tiny creature, spending your lives together, but don’t do it.
  4. Don’t cry.

PetStore

The Temptation Test

  1. Buy your favorite candy. It could be a chocolate bar, cookies, cake, ice cream; it’s your choice, but make sure it’s your absolute favorite.
  2. Keep it in your house, place it somewhere visible and write a little sign, saying “Eat me!”, that you can put on top of it, but don’t follow that command.
  3. Feel the temptation sinking into your brain and bones, turning you into a candy-craving zombie, but don’t eat it.
  4. Don’t cry.

TemptationCandy

The Rejection Test

  1. Tell that person you like how you feel, but do it in a creepy way. A good idea would be to draw the two of you happy together, and show this drawing to the person as you tell them about the eternal love you feel for them, even if you have never spoken to them before.
  2. Get rejected.
  3. Don’t cry.

Rejection

Tips to fight social anxiety

Social anxiety is painful, but thankfully, I’m here to help!

DISCLAIMER: This won’t help, but it will hopefully make you laugh.

  • When you’re in a new environment, such as a new class, it’s important to make friends. Approach your future best friends as you would approach a building: keeping a cool exterior, like you don’t care. If you start feeling the nerves making your stomach tight, scream “UGH, NO, NO, NO!” to untie those knots in your tummy, then karate kick the air, imagining you are hurting your anxiety, and follow this by saying hi to the people there, who are now curious about you.

Web

  • If you don’t know how to react when someone tells you something, start laughing while you find the nearest object you can punch, so you destroy those nerves, and then feel comfortable enough to reply accordingly.

Howtospeak

  • If you feel anxious in a crowded room, throw a punch in the air, then whisper to the imaginary anxiety, “Do you want more of this?”. After such a courageous act, your body will be filled with confidence, and then you will be able to start a conversation with a random person.

CrowdedPlace

  • If you feel anxious before you have to ask for something, such as in a pharmacy, bring a paper with you. Before talking to the pharmacist, grab the paper, punch through it, feel the anxiety vanishing through the hole in the paper, then ask the person what you need.

Pharmacy

 

Tips to safely release anger

Repressed anger isn’t good for our health, it’s important to release it in a healthy way, and here’s where tantrums become essential.

DISCLAIMER: This is only for comedy purposes. I don’t encourage public or private tantrums.

At the post office:

  1. Bring some empty envelopes with you.
  2. Give people the “I’m here for serious business” stare without uttering a word.
  3. Throw the envelopes on the floor. PostOfficewithd2
  4. Scream: “THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT’S FAULT AND I’M NOT A SLAVE ANYMORE!”.
  5. Send some letters if you have to, or leave, after picking up your envelopes.
  6. Feel the lightness peace creates inside you.

In a hotel room:

  1. Trash the bed, throw the sheets on the floor. The pillows too, have no mercy; but don’t mess with expensive stuff, cause you’re already in this hotel just to throw a tantrum, you don’t need to spend more money. HotelRoom2
  2. Scream: “THIS TV HAS NO CHANNELS IN RUSSIAN, I CAME HERE TO LEARN RUSSIAN!”
  3. Enjoy the attention from the staff and fellow guests.
  4. Feel the anger leave your body.

At the bank:

  1. Bring sheets of paper with you. It doesn’t matter if they’re blank.
  2. Wait till you get about half-way in the queue and throw the papers in the air.bank2.yes
  3. Remain in silence for a few seconds, as people stare at the flying paper.
  4. Scream: “WHY CAN’T MY CAT HAVE AN ACCOUNT? WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY IS THIS?”
  5. Breathe a sigh of relief, as you pick up the papers.
  6. Do your normal bank operations, or leave.

In a restaurant:

  1. Bring some napkins.
  2. Order sparkling water.
  3. You guessed it, throw the napkins in the air. Restaurant copy
  4. Scream: “MY PEAR-SHAPED BODY CAN’T HANDLE THIS FIZZY WATER! THIS RESTAURANT IS A SHAM!”
  5. Order your food as usual. If you stay hungry, you are only inviting anger to come back to you.

 

Tricks to not give up a new activity

We’ve all been there. I’m there 100% of the time, which probably means I’m the person to help you with this.

Shall we begin?

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1. Create an imaginary friend. One that’s more of a foe than a friend. Let’s give him a scary name: Ed… The Assassin. You know, something that makes it hard to trust him completely.

Ed has an uneven mohawk, but he still judges you.

2. Imagine Ed frowning after noticing your intention to procrastinate.

3. Feel Ed’s disgust with your laziness. It changes the atmosphere, raising those tiny hairs on your nape.

4. Listen to his sighs, they occur every other minute. You try to ignore them, but you can’t. They become louder as you tell yourself, “it’s nothing!”. But it is something: Ed is getting annoyed with you.

5. Tell yourself you’ll be ok if you don’t do that activity today, you can do it tomorrow. But, will you be ok?

6. You realize you haven’t listened to Ed’s sighs in a while, so you turn your head to see what he’s doing.

He’s not there.

Where did he go?

You hear a noise in the kitchen, as if someone… something… was grabbing a knife.

7. Your heart starts racing.

“Ed?”, you ask, hoping he comes back to continue being your annoyed, passive-aggressive, imaginary frenemy. But there’s no reply. Is he… Angry? Could he do anything drastic?

8. You come to the conclusion you don’t want to know the answer to that, so you start doing the activity.

You turn around: Ed is sitting on the floor painting his nails, smiling. He’s not giving you an inch of his attention anymore.

9. Reward yourself with candy. Don’t give Ed anything, he’s on a diet. He will stick to it until he reaches his goal… so his perseverance is an example to you.

See? It’s easy.

You’ve done it! Congratulations!

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