Captain Fluff & Mr. Nightmare

I must have been… not taller than 40 centimeters, so, quite young.

My parents took me to a circus show. It was raining that night, an omen of what was to come, but we were already seated under the circus tent, so what was probably hell’s water didn’t touch us.

I was my usual self, exploding with anticipation on the inside, but keeping a steely exterior, while we waited.

CircusEyebrows

A pair of clowns came out and started doing some routine. One of the clowns had cotton-candy pink hair, it was like a pink cloud resting on top of his head. I don’t remember the other clown well, let’s say he had blue hair and was a creature that came from where nightmares are made. He convinced the cotton-candy-haired clown to have a makeover.

Fool. Why would you change such majestic fluffy hair?

FluRevelation

Mr. Nightmare proceeded to put one of those professional standing hair-dryers on Captain Fluff, who was hopeful, thinking he would look even more beautiful after this treatment.

ClownHair

My 2 (or 3) year old tiny self wasn’t expecting what was about to happen, neither did Captain Fluff. It was cruel, to say the least. His hopes were shattered as Mr. Nightmare took the hair-dryer off, revealing black, thick hair, that looked as if it was terrified of itself.

ClownHair

My eyes were bursting with tears as I saw this injustice occur. My screams resonated throughout the tent. I was horrified because, you know, pink turned to black. How was that possible? I uttered words no one knew I knew, not even I knew I knew them. I screamed, “panic clown”, and repeated this phrase at the top of my lungs until my parents got the hint and took me out of that atrocious place.

CircusEyebrows

And that’s why clowns are evil creatures from the depths of hell.

 

Advertisements

Tears That Melt Faces

I like to think of myself as a cool, tough girl, like The Terminator’s Sister, walking in the desert, wearing shades, as an explosion roars behind me, and I say phrases in other languages that quickly become legendary.

BeforeAfterSocialInteraction

Or like Arnold in Last Action Hero, just taking down the bad guys like it’s nothing, not knowing my life is actually a movie and I’m the heroine in it.

Or like Arnold in Predator, shouting orders at people, being cooler than my frenemy and showing off my giant muscles.

PredatorBunny

Or like Roddy Piper in They Live, with the same sexy haircut, saying that line every time I’m at the post office or at the bank: “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kickass… And I’m all out of bubblegum… And I will queue and wait for my turn.”

But I am a clumsy, very emotional, tiny human. I can’t run up stairs without putting my life in real danger. The following is a drawing of what happened in 2015, when I decided to run and ignore my own warnings:

PredatorBunny

It looks bad, but the only physical damage that resulted from that was a scrapped knee. However, the mental wound will be eternal.

I’m dangerous in the kitchen as well. When I start chopping something, I don’t know if I’ll end the chore with all my fingers attached to my hands or not. To be honest, I don’t like how my fingers look, aesthetically speaking, but that doesn’t mean I want to lose any of them, and yet, it’s a possibility.

BunnySquirrelVegetables

When it comes to my emotions, things reach that level 11. I can’t see someone crying in a video without tearing up myself. If a paralysed animal gets a wheelchair and they love it, I start sobbing.

CryVideo

I have cried at concerts too. Metal concerts. During a heavy song. They’re happy tears, of course, but still, it’s hard to look tough when you can’t hold back the tears.

CryVideo

Okay, that drawing went too far. It’s not that extreme… yet.

The thing is, the real me doesn’t get in the way of how I see myself, I’m still walking, leaving the explosion behind, because I’m glad the bad times didn’t turn me into an empty vessel that looks like a human, and I’m glad I had the strength to overcome every painful obstacle.

I am tough, I just would say those cool movie lines with tears on my face. And ruin the take. It’s fine.

IT’S FINE.

Hey, have a beautiful 2019, full of happy tears!

And remember to be like the wise ginger root, strong against evil, no matter how tiny you look.

The Brain’s Small Adventures

A happy brain leads to a happy life.

Our brain’s most trivial decisions, or, adventures, can be some of the most important we make. For example, deciding what to eat seems insignificant, yet it’s the difference between living a healthy life until your body is extremely wrinkly, or dying when you’re starting to get wrinkly. See the difference? Crazy.

With today’s hate towards sugar and carbs (another name for sugar), I personally shudder to think of a life lived up to a century by eating vegetables. So I choose sugar and hope to reach my 50s.

Here is a drawing of what happens when I get hungry:

Beforefood

Ah, yeah, I have a little problem with gluten. But I won’t give up pizza, because it’s one of life’s most precious gifts.

Beforeafterfood

Another little adventure, but of vital importance for my brain, is to listen to metal music. I am close-minded with this, I only listen to music that features guitar riffs and distortion, because it’s the only thing that works for my brain. If I don’t, it will ramble on without rest, or sing melodies I dislike.

Beforemetal

Music stimulates my brain in all the right places. It looks something like this:

AfterMetal

As an introvert, I have a hard time with social interaction, so one of my brain’s most important adventures is the whole process from deciding to be social, until after the event.

BeforeSocialInteraction

After I surround myself with people I care about, I realize it’s not as excruciating as I had previously thought.

BeforeAfterSocialInteraction

And so, I continue my adventures. The immediate one being letting my brain have some “me” time.

Briainmetime

Hope you have beautiful brain adventures today!

How to Prevent the Flu (if someone in your home has it)

One minute, you are having fun playing with your collection of possessed dolls, the next, your partner, family member, or roommate, comes up to you and says something along the lines of:

FluRevelation

Panic-stricken, your mind starts calculating how to avoid getting the flu. Of course, at some point, you feel bad for them and want to help them, because you care about them and such things, but what matters is your mindset:

This. Is. War.

Each sneeze is a terrifying spray of disease, so an effective method to avoid being hit by it is to jump away from the sick person when you notice they’re about to sneeze.

SneezeEscape

Another helpful tip is to make ginger tea. The ginger root looks like a tiny, wise, tree trunk, and it will help you kill anything evil that dares to grow inside you.

ChoppingGinger

You could build a custom Heavy Metal Flu Shield (or any other style you want), for situations such as conversations, or avoiding a hug. Don’t forget the importance of carving (or drawing) a battle cry on the front of it, to put you in the warrior headspace.

SneezeEscape

For example, my shield (illustrated above) is inspired by Judas Priest and approved by Rob Halford, giving me extra power.

RobHalford

Lastly, it is of vital importance to buy the meanest vitamin supplement you can take each day, to give your immune system more weapons in this war against the flu.

JasonVitamins

Be afraid, flu, be very afraid.

Favorite Song Interpretation (part 3): Scorpions’ No one like you

This song starts with a killer riff and that signature Scorpions’ second guitar, coming in with a melody that tells the main riff, “you’re not metal enough yet, but we can hang”.

MainRiffMetawl

Then, that nonsense stops, cause Klaus Meine needs to make his sweet voice heard. Plus, he has some pressing stuff he wants to communicate to this nameless woman.

KlausMeine

Number one, he’s touring a lot, so he can’t be with her as much as he’d like; but, number two, he can imagine the nice things they would do if they were together, such as: shopping, and talking, and watching movies, and cuddling. In essence, being pampered by your other half.

KlausHangingwithGirl

After that, we have the guitar solo: it’s a desperate one, to emphasise the feeling of longing depicted in the lyrics; followed by the chorus, and then, the song fades out, so it lingers in your head, making you wanna hit play again.

There it is, pure romance in rock ‘n’ roll’s clothing.

Horrible Ideas…

MMA fighting with flip-flops

MMA is the kind of sport that will entertain you and terrify you at the same time. As a horror movie fan, it’s no surprise this beautiful form of athleticism is appealing to me.

Watching an athlete win with a submission, K.O, or T.K.O, is exciting. However, those times when a fight ends with a decision, it can be disappointing. I don’t understand the scoring system, but, I think, if we made the athletes fight with flip-flops, and lose a point each time the flip-flop fell off a foot, a win by decision would be more obvious, have less controversy, and be more rewarding.

MMAthongs

Plus, imagine the tension of a fight with this added problem, which could also have a surprise factor: would a fighter be angered enough to launch a flip-flop attack on his enemy, despite losing points? What does a kick with a flip-flop on look like? These are the questions that need answers.

MMAthongoffensive

Screaming Yoga

Yoga is meditation in movement… right?. But there’s a level of pain and frustration that comes with it, as our minds still ramble on. So, why not let our feelings out with screams? As we move into a downward dog, or try to keep our balance in one leg, why not let out a shout? Imagine that, you can quickly silence your thoughts while your hands try to touch your feet, but fail.

Nice.

ScreamingYoga

Scream some more, as you remember that time when you traumatised a child on a plane, because you watched a horror movie while you were sitting next to him. It’s ok, it’s just a thought, that kid is fine. Let it flow, scream and live in the now.

ScreamingYoga

Starting conversations with embarrassing confessions, unpopular opinions, or math problems

Small talk is painful, so why not make it excruciating and guarantee you won’t have to engage in small talk with that person again, by telling them something embarrassing when you see them? It will be raw, liberating, and it will give you the power of invisibility the next time this person sees you. You could also express an unpopular opinion, or confront them with a math problem. Any of these options will produce the same results.

Embarrassing

Doubleembarrassing

Small Protests & Performance Art

Protests are a tool we should use more often.

Society has a lot of problems, but some of them are so small, we might think speaking out against such issues, and trying to fix them, is not worth the effort.

This is why I’ve decided to demonstrate, through a few examples of small, yet important protests, that they are worth the effort. I’ve paired these protests with tasteful performance art pieces to enhance their message.

Let’s begin with a cry from a man that needs to be heard:

SpoonProtest

Right?

Now, the artistic side of the protest:

VegetableOffer

It’s beautiful, it’s art, it’s emotion, it’s the beginning of change.

Our next protest:

OnionProtest

Onions have had enough of our tears. Would you disagree? I don’t think so.

Let’s transform it into art!

OnionArt

No more tears, onions. No. More. Tears.

Our last issue:

PajamasProtest

I know many share this sentiment.

But let’s illustrate our point with art:

PajamasArt

There you have it, anger expressed through art, with the intention to transform society’s smaller issues.

I hope this was inspiring.

Good Naps, Bad Naps & the Non Napper

Naps are a gift from our bodies. A good nap is the solution to a sleepless night, feeling weak, sickness, bad mood, annoying company, nothing good on TV, inability to face the chores of the day, and many more problems.

Goodnap1

However, there’s a delicate balance between a good nap and a bad nap. If you extend your nap for an uncertain amount of minutes, scientifically referred to as the Minutes of Doom, a good nap turns into a bad nap, making your life miserable until you can sleep again.

Badnap

This can develop into a routine of good and bad naps that’s difficult to break, specially if you are like me, a lazy, but positive individual, who would rather sleep late and then nap, with the hope that it will be a good nap, and not a soul-sucking experience.

But there’s also the brave Non Napper, the person who chooses not to nap, no matter how tired, and, adding insult to injury, has to live with The Napper. This is how it looks like:

Web

Dreadful stuff.

I think I still choose the life of The Napper.

Listening to your body

When people talk about listening to their bodies, I imagine it’s something like this:

ListeningBody

But to me, it’s like this:ListeningSameBody

Actually, it’s more like this:

ListeningBodyCandy

Even if I’m sick, my body won’t change it’s tune.

ListeningBodySick

But then, I see my boyfriend snacking on a carrot, because his body asked him to, and it reminds me… my body talk is off.

VegetableOffer

At this point, however,  the damage is done.

The cookie has won.

Short Horror Story

ShortHorrorStory2

How to achieve mental toughness

 

DISCLAIMER: Strictly for laughing purposes.

 

The Endurance Test

  1. Find a maths class to attend.
  2. Endure it from beginning to end, paying complete attention to the lesson, but without taking notes, since that would take away some of the focus and mental suffering.
  3. Don’t cry.

MathsEww

The Facing Yourself At Your Worst Test

  1. Find pictures of your high school years or whenever you had that “weird phase”.
  2. Sit in a room by yourself and stare at them. Take at least a minute with each photograph, let the memory of your inadequate past self resurface and torment you.
  3. Don’t cry.

PhotoAlbum

The Other People’s Opinion Test

  1. Dress unfashionably. If you can avoid combing your hair or even showering, that would be more effective.
  2. Get out of the house to go shopping, do groceries, or any activity that involves being surrounded by people.
  3. See how they silently judge your appearance and feel how offended they are by you.
  4. Don’t cry.

Unfashionable

The Can’t Be Emotionally Moved Test

  1. Go to a pet store, one that has the cutest, fluffiest animals.
  2. Take your time to stare at them, look into their eyes, allow them to stare back into your soul.
  3. Consider adopting one, think about how happy you could make this tiny creature, spending your lives together, but don’t do it.
  4. Don’t cry.

PetStore

The Temptation Test

  1. Buy your favorite candy. It could be a chocolate bar, cookies, cake, ice cream; it’s your choice, but make sure it’s your absolute favorite.
  2. Keep it in your house, place it somewhere visible and write a little sign, saying “Eat me!”, that you can put on top of it, but don’t follow that command.
  3. Feel the temptation sinking into your brain and bones, turning you into a candy-craving zombie, but don’t eat it.
  4. Don’t cry.

TemptationCandy

The Rejection Test

  1. Tell that person you like how you feel, but do it in a creepy way. A good idea would be to draw the two of you happy together, and show this drawing to the person as you tell them about the eternal love you feel for them, even if you have never spoken to them before.
  2. Get rejected.
  3. Don’t cry.

Rejection

How to confront life’s obstacles

A painful past experience

If the memory of a painful past experience comes to your mind, do not cry. Do the opposite, laugh at it. Laugh hysterically till the memory feels so awkward and out of place, it will want to go away.

Web

Your fears

When something scares you, don’t avoid it. Although easy, it won’t solve the problem. The solution is to dress up as your favorite strong character and do a routine of shadow boxing, kickboxing, jiu-jitsu, or any other discipline. You will feel the fear surrender to your might.

Fears

An embarrassing moment

This has to be dealt with before it happens. Sounds tricky, but it isn’t. First, you need to practice the art of hypnosis, practice it with your significant other, your parents, friends and pets. Then, when an embarrassing moment happens, proceed to hypnotize everyone who witnessed it, so you can erase their memory of the situation.*

*60% sure that’s how hypnosis works.

Practice

A mosquito

Before it bites you, live your life to the fullest. After it bites you, curse the mosquito and their whole family members. Curse the mosquito wife, the mosquito husband, the mosquito dad, mom, babies; every mosquito. The energy of your thoughts will give the mosquito a tummy ache after feasting on your blood.*

*Not scientifically proven.

Web

A ghost

If you see a ghost, remember to not be rude, ghosts are very particular about proper manners. Ask for their name, say something like, “How are you doing?”. Do not use contractions or slang words, this will offend them and they will want to haunt you for eternity.

After you’ve had a few minutes of small talk with the ghost, it will be so bored, yet flattered, it will go away.

GoodManners

A mutant killer dolphin

If you encounter one of these nasty things… run. There’s no other escape, they’re too smart and their instinct is to kill humans, but they’re new to having legs, which is why they’re not the most capable runners. So, run!

Mutant

Good luck!