How to confront life’s obstacles

A painful past experience

If the memory of a painful past experience comes to your mind, do not cry. Do the opposite, laugh at it. Laugh hysterically till the memory feels so awkward and out of place, it will want to go away.

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Your fears

When something scares you, don’t avoid it. Although easy, it won’t solve the problem. The solution is to dress up as your favorite strong character and do a routine of shadow boxing, kickboxing, jiu-jitsu, or any other discipline. You will feel the fear surrender to your might.

Fears

An embarrassing moment

This has to be dealt with before it happens. Sounds tricky, but it isn’t. First, you need to practice the art of hypnosis, practice it with your significant other, your parents, friends and pets. Then, when an embarrassing moment happens, proceed to hypnotize everyone who witnessed it, so you can erase their memory of the situation.*

*60% sure that’s how hypnosis works.

Practice

A mosquito

Before it bites you, live your life to the fullest. After it bites you, curse the mosquito and their whole family members. Curse the mosquito wife, the mosquito husband, the mosquito dad, mom, babies; every mosquito. The energy of your thoughts will give the mosquito a tummy ache after feasting on your blood.*

*Not scientifically proven.

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A ghost

If you see a ghost, remember to not be rude, ghosts are very particular about proper manners. Ask for their name, say something like, “How are you doing?”. Do not use contractions or slang words, this will offend them and they will want to haunt you for eternity.

After you’ve had a few minutes of small talk with the ghost, it will be so bored, yet flattered, it will go away.

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A mutant killer dolphin

If you encounter one of these nasty things… run. There’s no other escape, they’re too smart and their instinct is to kill humans, but they’re new to having legs, which is why they’re not the most capable runners. So, run!

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Good luck!

 

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Favorite Song Interpretation (Part 2): Whitesnake’s “If You Want Me (I’ll Come Running)”

This guy has honey and the girl he likes has a sweet tooth. It’s a match made in heaven.

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Actually, he’s ready to not just give her honey, he can give her any sweet stuff she wants, even something as plain as sugar. But hey, who is he to judge? He only wants her love in return.

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This woman simply has to give him a call and he will deliver all the candy she wants.

It’s that easy.

He probably owns a candy factory and that’s why he has no problem offering candy in such a carefree manner. I’m a little jealous.

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I guess what she needs to give in return is simple as well, but we’re left to wonder, what happened in the end? Did she call him? Did he run to her with all the sugary gifts? That’s something the song doesn’t explore, as we’re seeing things only from the hopeful perspective of the male, the giver of candy.

 

Still, what a beautiful song.

OCD

OCD is like that person you don’t want to befriend, but they still do everything they can to stick around and become your best friend.

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The unwanted friendship quickly develops into an exhausting constant interaction. They’ve somehow convinced you to give them the keys to your house, since it’s less annoying to have them come in and out as they please, instead of listening to the door bell ring every couple of minutes.

Each time they come in, they have conspiracy theories to tell you about and scare you.

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So you stare at this little monster, as it stands there, smiling, ready to tell you more terrifying made-up things with some attitude in their tone.

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And you wonder how you can get rid of it.

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But you can’t simply “get rid of it”, it’s a slow process. You have to understand it’s underlying causes and do little improvements each and every day, so the both of you can part ways eventually, on amicable terms.

Favorite Song Interpretation (Part 1): Dokken’s “It’s not love”

So, this is about someone not being good enough for you, because you’re in a glam metal band in the 80s, you’re too cool for 99.9999% of the population.

We’ve all been attracted to lame people, it’s the Ladder of True Love; you start with terrible taste and then end up with sophisticated heart desires, like a person who would wear tights and an 80s wig for you. That’s compromise, that’s true love.

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Talking about hair, I think one of the reasons love is failing in this song is because of how difficult it was to find a partner with better hair in that era.

GoodHairBadHairThen, you have George Lynch’s guitar playing, his shredding power would have intimidated anyone you wanted to get close to. There’s a reason why he has the nickname Mr. Scary.

DokkenThere you have it, now you can enjoy this song with full understanding of the meaning behind it.

 

 

Tips to fight social anxiety

Social anxiety is painful, but thankfully, I’m here to help!

DISCLAIMER: This won’t help, but it will hopefully make you laugh.

  • When you’re in a new environment, such as a new class, it’s important to make friends. Approach your future best friends as you would approach a building: keeping a cool exterior, like you don’t care. If you start feeling the nerves making your stomach tight, scream “UGH, NO, NO, NO!” to untie those knots in your tummy, then karate kick the air, imagining you are hurting your anxiety, and follow this by saying hi to the people there, who are now curious about you.

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  • If you don’t know how to react when someone tells you something, start laughing while you find the nearest object you can punch, so you destroy those nerves, and then feel comfortable enough to reply accordingly.

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  • If you feel anxious in a crowded room, throw a punch in the air, then whisper to the imaginary anxiety, “Do you want more of this?”. After such a courageous act, your body will be filled with confidence, and then you will be able to start a conversation with a random person.

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  • If you feel anxious before you have to ask for something, such as in a pharmacy, bring a paper with you. Before talking to the pharmacist, grab the paper, punch through it, feel the anxiety vanishing through the hole in the paper, then ask the person what you need.

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The Karma of Laughter

My parents and I were inseparable. They weren’t social, so we spent a lot of our free time together watching movies.

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I watched my first horror movie, possibly either Scream 2 or Candyman, with them. Technically, I experienced my first horror movie while I was still in the womb, but that’s another story.

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The problem was, my mom would always fall asleep. She still does. There is no movie captivating enough, no plot rich enough, no actor talented enough, to keep her awake throughout it. To add insult to injury, most of the time, she has an opinion on the movie, even if she has missed 90% of it.

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So, of course, I used to make fun of her, I had to. But I didn’t consider karma getting to me after all these years of intense mocking…

In my defense, I sleep through small intervals during some movies. However, I plan to continue making fun of my mom, which means, someday, I will only see 10% of movies.

I can live with that.

 

Happy Mother’s Day! (Shhh, I’m pretty sure it’s still Sunday somewhere)

 

How to know you’ve found the right person

Love. Almost as important as food, isn’t it?

The search for the right person is a worthwhile, sometimes excruciating, endeavor. Allow me to make things a bit easier, by giving you some information to help you discern if you have the right person by your side, or, in case you’re single and want a partner, what to look for in one.

  • You have the same goals in life

If you’re thinking of sharing a future with this person, your life goals should be similar, so you can walk together on the road of excitement and love, going forward into what I like to call “The Wrinkle Years”.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “I wanna adopt every Sugar Glider and keep them in my future house.”

Person 2: “That has been my dream for 30 years.”

Person 1: “But… aren’t you 30 years old?”

Person 2: “Exactly.”

GOLDEN COUPLE!

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  • Your worldview is similar

If your views of the world are opposite, you might spend your time fighting instead of making what most of us want to make: delicious food. Or whatever you want to make together that’s pleasant.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “I wish things were like in that movie…. The Shining. You know what I mean?”

Person 2: “Totally. I love Hotels.”

CRAZY COOL PAIR OF PEOPLE!

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  • You accept and sometimes like each other’s flaws

It’s inevitable, no one is perfect, we are made of flaws put together like a bunch of Flawkenstein’s Monsters, but usually less misunderstood by our parents and the human race in general. In a healthy relationship, your flaws are something the other can tolerate, or issues you can work on.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “I think ice cream is just… ok.”

Person 2: “Ok. I hate olives.”

Person 1: “I can live with that.”

A COUPLE THAT CAN STAY TOGETHER!

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  • You can communicate anything

Do you have an embarrassing secret you’ve only confessed to your therapist and even they laughed, unable to keep it professional? The right person will make you feel comfortable enough to tell them that secret, for free. You will be afraid at first, but it will be fine… after they laugh too. They’re the right person, but they’re still human!

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “You know Shauna?”

Person 2: “Yeah.”

Person 1: “She wears a wig.”

Person 2: “Really?”

Person 1: “My biggest fear…”

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Person 2: “Yeah?”

Person 1: “What if her wig falls off when I’m around…?”

Person 2: “What?”

Person 1: “Yeah! Because… what would I say?”

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Person 2: “Easy! Pretend you’re blind till she puts it back on.”

SUPERB COUPLE.

  • You enjoy doing similar activities

This is vital, unless you want to be bored for the rest of your life and find happiness when this boring person isn’t around you.

Person 1: “Wanna go give breadcrumbs to the neighbor’s lizard pet?”

Person 2: “Sure! But I think he likes tiny worms better.”

Person 1: “Ah, ok. Let me get some.”

ACCOMPLISHED COUPLE.

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  • You make each other laugh

A relationship without laughter is like a turtle watching a toddler run, you will feel like something is missing and the relationship won’t get anywhere, cause turtles always get bored of being so slow, so they never get to their destination. Turtles are quitters, but you’re not. Your relationship should have lots of mutual laughter.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “Did you see that turtle quit?”

Person 2: “Hahaha. It didn’t even try!”

RIGHT? WHAT A GOOD COUPLE.

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  • You take care of each other during sickness

We can’t help getting sick, because, sadly, we’re not made of Terminator material. It’s just not how the Universe decided to make us. So, when sickness arrives, the right person will want to help you get better. Sometimes, they’re not good at it, but they will want to help, and that matters.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “Still puking, huh?”

Person 2: “Yeah.”

Person 1: “I made you more green soup.”

TERRIFIC COUPLE.

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  • You trust them

There’s no relationship without it, but trust is about both you and them. In the end, to have the right partner, you have to be ready to be the right partner too. Now, go to the mirror and blow some kisses at yourself, give yourself some love for being cool and worthy of someone who loves you as much as you love yourself.

Helpful Example:

Person 1: “Let’s do the trust exercise.”

Person 2: “Ok. Let yourself go, my beauty.”

Person 1: “ARE WE FLYING?”

Person 2: “We are.”

LEVEL 11 COUPLE.

 

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Products I want: The Germ Screamer Killer

I am constantly worried about the biggest jerks in the world, also known as germs. I don’t think the cleaning industry is at the level I need it to be yet, because I don’t want to trust a product is effective, I want to know for sure.

So, I’ve come up with the concept of a product that would provide a solution to this issue: the Germ Screamer Killer, a disinfectant that makes germs scream in agony as they die, so you can hear them while you use it and know, with certainty, everything is clean. Plus, it can be applied on any surface.

GermScreamerKiller

 

Germs on your clothes?

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You hurry to put some product on them, the melodies of germ destruction begin and you realize how much you enjoy this music of death. Then, you wear the item again, you wear it everywhere, get more germs on it, and repeat the process, without a worry on your mind.

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Germs on your table?

You spray some Germ Screamer Killer on it, feeling a rush of endorphins inside you as you listen to the germs’ tortured cries during their trip to extinction. Then, you make a meal, and eat it on top of the germs’ corpses, on your freshly disinfected table.

TriumphantMeal

 

Germs on the wall?

You grab the bottle of germ poison and you know the massacre is on. A few minutes pass by, each second filled with screams. As the sounds fade out, you hear your own relaxed breathing and whisper to yourself, “life is good”. But right then, one unexpected tiny scream starts. Could it be a survivor? Not possible, it’s just a stronger testosterone-fueled germ that takes longer to die. As the sound vanishes, you repeat to yourself, “life is good”.

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Because, it is.

 

Special Product: The Germ Screamer Killer Body Soap

Forget about singing in the shower, you can hear the microscopic life-forms lose the battle against you, their claws unable to stay attached to your skin, their tiny hands trying to hang on to the hairs on your upper thighs, in vain, because they’re dying. You’ve won the battle, you have murdered them.

 

Thank you, Germ Screamer Killer.

Tips to safely release anger

Repressed anger isn’t good for our health, it’s important to release it in a healthy way, and here’s where tantrums become essential.

DISCLAIMER: This is only for comedy purposes. I don’t encourage public or private tantrums.

At the post office:

  1. Bring some empty envelopes with you.
  2. Give people the “I’m here for serious business” stare without uttering a word.
  3. Throw the envelopes on the floor. PostOfficewithd2
  4. Scream: “THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT’S FAULT AND I’M NOT A SLAVE ANYMORE!”.
  5. Send some letters if you have to, or leave, after picking up your envelopes.
  6. Feel the lightness peace creates inside you.

In a hotel room:

  1. Trash the bed, throw the sheets on the floor. The pillows too, have no mercy; but don’t mess with expensive stuff, cause you’re already in this hotel just to throw a tantrum, you don’t need to spend more money. HotelRoom2
  2. Scream: “THIS TV HAS NO CHANNELS IN RUSSIAN, I CAME HERE TO LEARN RUSSIAN!”
  3. Enjoy the attention from the staff and fellow guests.
  4. Feel the anger leave your body.

At the bank:

  1. Bring sheets of paper with you. It doesn’t matter if they’re blank.
  2. Wait till you get about half-way in the queue and throw the papers in the air.bank2.yes
  3. Remain in silence for a few seconds, as people stare at the flying paper.
  4. Scream: “WHY CAN’T MY CAT HAVE AN ACCOUNT? WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY IS THIS?”
  5. Breathe a sigh of relief, as you pick up the papers.
  6. Do your normal bank operations, or leave.

In a restaurant:

  1. Bring some napkins.
  2. Order sparkling water.
  3. You guessed it, throw the napkins in the air. Restaurant copy
  4. Scream: “MY PEAR-SHAPED BODY CAN’T HANDLE THIS FIZZY WATER! THIS RESTAURANT IS A SHAM!”
  5. Order your food as usual. If you stay hungry, you are only inviting anger to come back to you.

 

Fantasies are better in your head than in real life

“Pleasure is pain, in my arms once again. Knowing that you can never be mine”. I sing “Forbidden Love”, by Artension, as I hold a chocolate bar and acknowledge with sadness… I can’t eat it…

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That's Artension. John West has the voice of an angel
hired to sing to the other angels when they 
get paranoid. Because being an angel isn't easy.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with chocolate. Elevated minds and intricate palates have made this natural product evolve so we can enjoy it and then feel the guilt of overindulgence. Because that’s the problem, you can’t eat it in moderation.

I’ve had chocolate for 7 days in a row and, wanting to be a healthy adult, I would like to stop this madness.

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That's melted chocolate, which is actually the happy tears shed by
angels after John West sang to them to soothe their nerves.

As I stare at the chocolate, I imagine the taste, the pleasure I would feel after taking a bite, setting my brain on fire for seconds…

The temptation is…

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Unbearable…

I whisper to myself and to the chocolate bar, “life is short”, and I bite into it. But it’s so underwhelming, like eating lettuce with thick grains of sugar on top.

Which proves, fantasies are better in your head than in real life.

Some clowns are creatures from hell

I must have been… not taller than 40 centimeters, so, quite young.

My parents took me to a circus show. It was raining that night, an omen of what was to come, but we were already under the circus tent, seated, so what was probably hell’s water didn’t touch us. I was my usual self, exploding with anticipation on the inside, but keeping a steely exterior, while we waited.

A pair of clowns came out, they were doing some routine. I was ecstatic, one clown had cotton-candy pink hair. What? It was like a pink cloud resting on top of his head! The other clown, a creature that must have come from where nightmares are made, convinced the cotton-candy-haired clown to have a makeover and he accepted. Fool. Why would you change such majestic fluffy hair?

fluffy copy

The Evil Clown proceeded to put one of those professional standing hair-dryers on Mr. Cotton-Candy. The result was cruel, to say the least.

Cotton-Candy was hopeful, thinking he would look even more beautiful after this treatment. But his hopes were shattered when Evil Clown took the hair-dryer off, revealing black, thick hair, that looked as if it was terrified of itself.

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My eyes were bursting with tears as I saw this injustice occur. My screams resonated throughout the tent, terrified because, you know, pink turned to black. How was that possible? I uttered words no one knew I knew, not even I knew I knew them. I said “panic clown” and repeated this phrase at the top of my lungs until my parents got the hint and took me out of that atrocious place.

And that’s why clowns are evil creatures from the depths of hell. Except for cotton-candy-haired clown, he was a victim. But I don’t like him either.

Tricks to not give up a new activity

We’ve all been there. I’m there 100% of the time, which probably means I’m the person to help you with this.

Shall we begin?

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1. Create an imaginary friend. One that’s more of a foe than a friend. Let’s give him a scary name: Ed… The Assassin. You know, something that makes it hard to trust him completely.

Ed has an uneven mohawk, but he still judges you.

2. Imagine Ed frowning after noticing your intention to procrastinate.

3. Feel Ed’s disgust with your laziness. It changes the atmosphere, raising those tiny hairs on your nape.

4. Listen to his sighs, they occur every other minute. You try to ignore them, but you can’t. They become louder as you tell yourself, “it’s nothing!”. But it is something: Ed is getting annoyed with you.

5. Tell yourself you’ll be ok if you don’t do that activity today, you can do it tomorrow. But, will you be ok?

6. You realize you haven’t listened to Ed’s sighs in a while, so you turn your head to see what he’s doing.

He’s not there.

Where did he go?

You hear a noise in the kitchen, as if someone… something… was grabbing a knife.

7. Your heart starts racing.

“Ed?”, you ask, hoping he comes back to continue being your annoyed, passive-aggressive, imaginary frenemy. But there’s no reply. Is he… Angry? Could he do anything drastic?

8. You come to the conclusion you don’t want to know the answer to that, so you start doing the activity.

You turn around: Ed is sitting on the floor painting his nails, smiling. He’s not giving you an inch of his attention anymore.

9. Reward yourself with candy. Don’t give Ed anything, he’s on a diet. He will stick to it until he reaches his goal… so his perseverance is an example to you.

See? It’s easy.

You’ve done it! Congratulations!

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Tinnitus: only good if you hate silence

When my tinnitus got scary, I, like any responsible adult, used Google in an attempt to get some valuable information about it, but there wasn’t much, so I forced myself to go to a doctor.

Wait.

I’m going too fast…

This is the full story:

The Beginning of the Horror

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I realized I had tinnitus in one ear about two or three years ago. I didn’t worry about it, because it was mild and I thought I had it coming, since I had abused my hearing enough with loud music for years.

 

The Middle of the Nightmare

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But then, in 2016, after a flu, I noticed the tinnitus had started in the other ear and, sometimes, there was one loud beep on both ears. Understandably, I was terrified.

This is when my Google research started.

I found some articles about musicians who have tinnitus and simply live with it, because there’s no solution to it, as well as some videos with people claiming that jaw and neck massages fixes it and how to do them, but that was it. I didn’t have the patience to massage my face and hope it went away, so I decided to go to a doctor to see if I was doomed to not listen to loud music anymore and avoid concerts.

 

The (sort of) End of the Suffering

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Luckily, my tinnitus has nothing to do with hearing loss. It was a result of teeth grinding at night, a discovery that allowed me to not obsess over it, which helped lessen the suffering it was causing.

Even if my hearing is fine, I decided to be responsible about my habits to help prevent future problems; I stopped using headphones and I keep the volume at a reasonable level most of the time. Regarding that, the doctor gave me some advice: have breaks every 15 minutes when you’re listening to music and, if going to a concert, make sure the venue is an open space and stand far away from the speakers.

The teeth grinding issue is something I have dealt with partially, since it was due to extreme stress, but I will go to a dentist to have my tiny pearls protected every night.

Hope my story and the doctor’s advice are of some help for anyone trying to get more information on the subject.

Little things that make life better

When I was a teenager, one of my best friends and I agreed that it’s the little things in life that make it good… as if we knew what that meant.

Much like sex, excuse me, “love-making”, you can’t grasp the full meaning of such intricate experiences until you’ve reached a certain maturity and created the right circumstances.

Here are a few of my favorite “little things”:

1.Getting some time to myself after a long day of work.

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Screaming with anticipation, rejoicing in the freedom of the night…  appreciating my pretty shoes?… Ok, the picture doesn’t have much to do with the reality of my point, but the idea is somewhere in there.

2. Candy.

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My Candy Monster demands chocolate and other treats from time to time. If I deny it, resist it or ignore it, tortures that pale in comparison to the ones in the Hellraiser movies will be enacted on my spirit from my brain.

3. Tea.

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I have no wrinkles on my skin, but I have them on my soul. What I’m trying to say is, I’m old. A cup of tea on a cold night feels like a warm hug that starts in your tummy and ends in sadness when you finish the last drop.

4. Exercise.

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As a woman who wants big muscles, I suffer because of insufficient testosterone, knowing my dream can’t come true unless I’m willing to have chest acne and a deeper voice. Nevertheless, I find enjoyment in the elusive search for mass.

5. Music.

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You can’t go wrong with music, it turns your brain cells into infinite bright dots of happiness. It’s science.

6. Warm bed.

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Getting in bed after work means I can be warm and comfortable under the covers. The universe is only that; everything is soft and squishy… Except for my muscles, which are rock hard.

7. Health.

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Being young usually means never worrying about health, but as you get a bit older, health issues that are simple consequences of your early carelessness arise. I’ve been dealing with some health issues since last year, so I had to start caring about it. I cherish feeling healthy now. And having mind-blowingly strong muscles.

8. Privacy.

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My privacy is one of the most important things for me. The Mr. Hyde inside me comes out when it’s disrupted, it’s something stronger than me.

9. Horror Movies.

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80s horror movies give me that warm fluffy feeling, because those were the first movies I watched when I was in my early to mid teens. And then, the scary ones make me feel like I’ve survived a little hardship after I’ve watched them. They are the heart-racing, heart-warming gems in my life.

10. The people I love.

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I am a hermit, but I still need some people in my life. My Mum and my Boyfriend are the fine bits of chocolate to my Stracciatella gelato.

Heavy Metal Makes Some People Happy (ME!)

You know what rocks?

Judas Priest.

You know what else rocks?

Judas Priest’s latest album, Firepower.

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I saw this band live in 2011. If meditation is living in the moment, I was meditating for an hour and a half or however long that show was. I understood many things about myself; surfacing from a sea of confusion and sadness, I took a deep breath of heavy metal happiness. I guess, some brains are wired like puzzles and the only way to make the pieces fit is to expose them to the right combination of musical notes.

I repeated the experience in 2015; mosquitoes kinda took me out of the hypnosis for parts of it, but it still was something for the heart to remember till I die some horror movie-esque death.

Now onto this album. They’re not reinventing the wheel, nor do I want them to. They’re that reliable source of classic heavy metal that I, for my taste, have trouble finding in other new releases.

Highlights:

Never the Heroes

Necromancer

Rising From Ruins

Flame Thrower

No Surrender

Spectre